That said, he put his phone away. He arrived at the café soon later, having already been close, and he got himself a black coffee. Picking a table by the window away from other people, Barty answered some other texts on his phone quickly and then he took out a book he kept in his pocket. He read as he waited for Sam, sipping his coffee slowly.
"Hey." Sam was a bit earlier than expected but he wasn't surprised that Barty was already there. He sat down and ruffled his hand through his hair, looking pretty off. He was paler than usual, he looked tired and he clearly wasn't at his peak. He covered his eyes and groaned. "It's like the worst fucking hangover of my life."
And he didn't even get the fun part of it that made it worth it, made it his own decision. Instead, it was out of his hands and every time he thought of it, he felt sick to his stomach. "I feel like shit."
"You should have taken the week off, you stubborn prick." Barty looked at him with open concern. Not something he'd often show to anyone, not something he, quite frankly, often felt about anyone else. But there was no need to hide it with Sam. In fact, given he was trying to convince Sam of having some innate goodness, there was a lot more need to show it to him openly. "Let me at least buy you some porridge. I'm sure they have some hipster nonsense here that you're bound to like. Full of superfoods or whatever."
"Sure, go for it." Sam let Barty go and get him some porridge and took the offering when Barty returned, eyeing it up curiously because he honestly wasn't sure if he wanted to eat it or not. Today, nothing was happily staying in him and his stomach felt sore. He looked at his food while he bounced his leg, full of excess energy and feeling particularly twitchy today.
"There's a part of you that almost wishes the drug doesn't leave. I think it's the only thing keeping me going right now." And yet, he desperately wanted it out of his system at the same time. "But it should be out soon, right? It can't stay in me that long!"
"Up to three days, according to what I've heard. A week until the worst of the craving passes." Because that craving was obvious. He could see it on Sam's face even now. "In another life, my love, you'd have been an addict."
Made perfect sense, really. How had he never seen it before? He sipped his coffee and then shook his head. "I wish I could force you to take two more days off. You're not going to be doing anyone any good like this, Sam. I have those pills for you, but they are sedatives. Probably shouldn't take them at work."
"No chance, I wouldn't ever do that to myself. It's a waste of a life." Sam dismissed immediately, unable to even process a world where he would do such a thing to himself or his body. He wasn't really someone who got addicted to things, even if sometimes the idea of magical drugs to cure his issues sounded good. Something for sleep, something for work, something to remove sadness. Seemed handy.
"I won't take them, I'll be fine. It's already getting better." It mostly just came in waves. One moment he'd be doing paperwork, the next the room was alive and every sound was wriggling into his ear. Every single thing was at the intensity of 100%. And then it settled. "It always calms down in the end."
"Right. I bet you can't even stop tapping your foot like you have since you've sat down. I bet you didn't even realise you were doing it." Oh, Sam. And in such denial about it too. It was entertaining in a way, not that he wasn't mostly worried. He took the blister pack Jonathan had given him and handed it to Sam. "Hold on to it. Just in case. You insane workaholic."
He shook his head, then looked at him again. "The footage is going to be secure and then destroyed soon. Should be taken care of by tomorrow."
Sam eyed up the blister pack as he forced his leg to stop moving, almost glaring at the meds before he pocketed them and tried to keep himself still. It was really annoying. "If I'm not there, nothing gets done." What he was doing was for the greater good, it wasn't just because he thought it would be fun. He especially didn't think it right now.
At the mention of the footage, he tensed up and his cheek twitched slightly. "Right. Thanks." He didn't want to even think about it existing, he didn't want to think about getting tested or that a fucking bastard like that was inside of him or any of this. He grit his teeth. "I appreciate it."
"No need to thank me, Sam. I would do anything." Anything to avenge him. Anything to protect him. Anything to win him back. Barty assumed the meaning was clear as he tried and hold Sam's nervous gaze. Today, Sam's focus was clearly shot. Stubborn knobhead. "Anything you let me do."
There, that was his limit. "Let me drive you back to the station, yeah? And maybe you can make it an early day. I could take you home. Maybe back to mine."
"I have work still... lots to do." Sam was tired, his brain was in overdrive and he kept making mistakes but if he left now, he had to tell Gene he was still sick and then Gene would ask more questions. He wouldn't stop asking Sam what he found out with Cheon and where he went, why he was off sick the day after. All good questions but Sam couldn't answer him honestly and he wasn't a good liar either.
"I just want to sleep." Sam admitted as he looked at his food and still tried to psych himself up to eat. "I can't sleep in my bed. Feels wrong. I sat in my chair last night instead. My neck is killing me. I think I slept for half an hour."
Barty almost told Sam that he had had people watching his place all night. That he wasn't leaving him unprotected. But he sensed that Sam would not find that as reassuring as it was meant to be, so he didn't say it. Instead he simply nodded, showing that he understood. "That makes sense. As I said, I could take you to my place. Or we can book a hotel, if you'd rather. Two beds, if you insist. Neutral ground."
There, he was trying to behave. However, he had also reached out and taken one of Sam's hands in his. "You need to give yourself a break, Sam. Don't make me abduct you to force you."
Sam had to laugh, he couldn't help it. Barty was so eager, he was willing to get a hotel with two beds. He couldn't help himself, it was funny and sometimes, it just felt like such a relief when he could smile and laugh. He never really got to, always stressed and busy so to have a moment to just laugh - it felt good.
He put his head in his hands and exhaled slowly. "I must still be high because part of me is considering it. I just want to lie on a bed and sleep, you know?"
"Hm, I can imagine. I also want you to sleep. You are less cranky when you're not so tired. Also generally more receptive." Always the hardest days with the worst arguments, when Sam was too tired to get it up and therefore couldn't be distracted with sex. The priority was always to ensure that Sam would at least get some decent sleep, it made living with him so much better. "Is it all about avoiding Gene's questions? Why not blame it on me? Say that I've seduced you with my wily ways. It could have happened. Call out of work because you need to get laid. I know Ray has done that before."
Sam sighed and then thought about the last time he had a really good sleep. Definitely at Barty's apartment. He had such a nice bed. It was so big and soft, he could sprawl out and it was with proper pillows too. He liked liking beside Barty, it just made everything that bit less stressful and on him. He liked company in bed, either in person or by the TV. Thought Barty freaked him out less than the TV.
Sam considered it for a while before he sighed, annoyed at himself. "Your place. Your bed."
"Are you calling in?" Barty signalled to the waiter so he could pay, already with his wallet at the ready. "Take one of the pills now. You can sleep when we get home." And, yes, he called it 'home' deliberately. Just as he kept calling Sam 'darling' and 'my love' quite deliberately. Sam knew he was a manipulator, why would he let him down by not at least trying to manipulate him?
"I'll make sure you sleep well." His heart was beating fast. He was trying not to let it show just how gleefully happy this was making him.
"If I wasn't totally fucked up, I wouldn't do this." Sam clarified because he felt he had to. He opened the blister pack and took one, tossing it into his mouth and washing it down with some of Barty's drink. "But I am, aren't I? Not just from the drugs, I'm just fucked up." He knew Barty was a gangster, he knew going home with him was bad and he knew that he was beyond fucked if he did this. Yet, the idea of the familiar was comforting.
A bed he knew, a place that was safe, somewhere to just sleep and have Barty near - it screamed out to him. He wanted it in a way he didn't want anything else right now. "I don't know what is wrong with me."
"You are in love with me. You've been hurt and you know I can keep you safe." Perhaps that wasn't what Sam really wanted to hear, but given it was the obvious truth, Barty decided to simply say it out loud. He reached out for one of Sam's hand, holding it as he helped him up. Luckily his car was parked right outside. "I'm not a good person, but the world isn't good either." He wasn't sure whether that would be enough for Sam in the long run. Perhaps enough for right now.
"You are good. You make me want to be better. Whatever's wrong with you, you're making me feel right."
"Right." It still didn't feel good. It still felt so very wrong. He got out his phone and sent a text to Gene saying he was throwing up and he couldn't come back to work, hoping Gene would accept that. After all, he kept saying he looked like shit and was surprised he came to work.
He exited the café with Barty but pulled his hand free from the other, putting his hands in his pockets instead. "If I make you want to be better, why are you still a terrible person? We've been together long enough. When does it kick in for you?"
"Hm. Maybe you're just underestimating how much worse I could be." Barty did consider that a very valid possibility. He walked to his car and unlocked it, then held the door open for Sam to get into the passenger seat. Once he'd closed the door on Sam, he took a deep breath. What a mess.
He walked around the car and got into the driver's seat, turning on the music. He knew Sam liked some noise, just as he liked the television on at night.
He started driving, wetting his lips as he tried to think of something worth saying. "I draw a lot of lines. I follow my own rules. Many of them are influenced by you."
"I suppose it's not your fault that you don't fit my morality, I just always wanted to see something in you that I knew wasn't there." Sam knew that Barty wasn't really a good person, he had seen hints of it at school and when they dated. His empathy was strange, his interest in people was lacking and he kept the world at arm's length. He even played with people in front of him before and Sam knew he enjoyed it.
To be shocked that Barty wasn't wholly good was unfair in some ways. "I held you to a standard you never fit and I let myself be disappointed. And it's on me, isn't it? Cause I'm the idiot that wants you. So I pretend."
And there was only so long someone could pretend. "You're better than you could be, I'll give you that."
Barty let out a soft laugh, ending in a chuckle as he shook his head. "You're amazing at that. What a devastating way to bring me down." It was kind of a hit right to his heart and dashing any hopes he'd have had, but he couldn't help his admiration of what Sam was capable of doing so casually.
He changed the song, simply to be doing something, still shaking his head. "I miss the way you used to look at me. There's that." Sam believing in him, that had been a powerful feeling. Sam thinking him to be good. Great, even. Of course he longed for that. "I can't see it the way you do. That clear-cut morality. It's never been that way for me."
"It's just been easier for me. It was just -- things should be simple. I'm a cop, I'm good. I do things properly, by the book, avoid bias and try my absolute best to be a what I have to be. It keeps everything safe and easy." He didn't have to question himself because he knew the rules and being strict meant a slight slip up was never a disaster that he couldn't handle.
"I want to be a good person. By the book, to the law and that's that. Not like my--" His worlds trailed off but the implication was there. He was not and would never, ever be like his father. "I just thought everyone thought like me. Even you."
"My father is like that. As you know. No grey for him. But I always saw the grey all around." Perhaps there had been something wrong with him from the start. He couldn't say for certain. "I always thought that you were good. I reckon everyone does. You are honest. You are kind too."
A very undervalued quality. "But being good and kind doesn't always lead to things going the way they should, does it?" Clearly not. "When people tried bribing my father, he'd never take it. But I wondered even as a boy whether he didn't take it because he felt it was wrong or because it was so important for him to stay good. Always by the book. He cares more about his reputation than about morals, really. If they told him that the wrong thing was right, he'd do it that way. He has in the past. Still does. So much that's wrong with the system. There aren't really many good people out there. Not truly good like you."
"That's why there's so much mistrust. There's people who pretend, people who abuse a broken system and fuck knows, people hear cop and they -- they hate us. They think we're untrustworthy. It's a dirty word now. Police." Sam hated that with all of his heart but he knew it was the truth and he knew how bad the system was that it allowed bad people to abuse it. Even so, to him, staying strict was the best way to stay good. "I think your lot do better in public opinion than our lot these days."
Sam huffed out a laugh and rubbed at his eyes, not sure what to even feel any more about Barty. He just wanted to love him, he just wanted to be with him but then he had to forgive him and it seemed to easy. Too simple for Barty. "I miss you all the time. I hate that you can't be who I want you to be but I ... I also don't want you to be either."
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I can meet you there in ten?
And God, no. I'm not telling anyone anything. It never happened.
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I'll meet you in the cafe. See you soon.
That said, he put his phone away. He arrived at the café soon later, having already been close, and he got himself a black coffee. Picking a table by the window away from other people, Barty answered some other texts on his phone quickly and then he took out a book he kept in his pocket. He read as he waited for Sam, sipping his coffee slowly.
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And he didn't even get the fun part of it that made it worth it, made it his own decision. Instead, it was out of his hands and every time he thought of it, he felt sick to his stomach. "I feel like shit."
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"There's a part of you that almost wishes the drug doesn't leave. I think it's the only thing keeping me going right now." And yet, he desperately wanted it out of his system at the same time. "But it should be out soon, right? It can't stay in me that long!"
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Made perfect sense, really. How had he never seen it before? He sipped his coffee and then shook his head. "I wish I could force you to take two more days off. You're not going to be doing anyone any good like this, Sam. I have those pills for you, but they are sedatives. Probably shouldn't take them at work."
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"I won't take them, I'll be fine. It's already getting better." It mostly just came in waves. One moment he'd be doing paperwork, the next the room was alive and every sound was wriggling into his ear. Every single thing was at the intensity of 100%. And then it settled. "It always calms down in the end."
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He shook his head, then looked at him again. "The footage is going to be secure and then destroyed soon. Should be taken care of by tomorrow."
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At the mention of the footage, he tensed up and his cheek twitched slightly. "Right. Thanks." He didn't want to even think about it existing, he didn't want to think about getting tested or that a fucking bastard like that was inside of him or any of this. He grit his teeth. "I appreciate it."
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There, that was his limit. "Let me drive you back to the station, yeah? And maybe you can make it an early day. I could take you home. Maybe back to mine."
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"I just want to sleep." Sam admitted as he looked at his food and still tried to psych himself up to eat. "I can't sleep in my bed. Feels wrong. I sat in my chair last night instead. My neck is killing me. I think I slept for half an hour."
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There, he was trying to behave. However, he had also reached out and taken one of Sam's hands in his. "You need to give yourself a break, Sam. Don't make me abduct you to force you."
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He put his head in his hands and exhaled slowly. "I must still be high because part of me is considering it. I just want to lie on a bed and sleep, you know?"
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Sam sighed and then thought about the last time he had a really good sleep. Definitely at Barty's apartment. He had such a nice bed. It was so big and soft, he could sprawl out and it was with proper pillows too. He liked liking beside Barty, it just made everything that bit less stressful and on him. He liked company in bed, either in person or by the TV. Thought Barty freaked him out less than the TV.
Sam considered it for a while before he sighed, annoyed at himself. "Your place. Your bed."
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"I'll make sure you sleep well." His heart was beating fast. He was trying not to let it show just how gleefully happy this was making him.
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A bed he knew, a place that was safe, somewhere to just sleep and have Barty near - it screamed out to him. He wanted it in a way he didn't want anything else right now. "I don't know what is wrong with me."
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"You are good. You make me want to be better. Whatever's wrong with you, you're making me feel right."
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He exited the café with Barty but pulled his hand free from the other, putting his hands in his pockets instead. "If I make you want to be better, why are you still a terrible person? We've been together long enough. When does it kick in for you?"
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He walked around the car and got into the driver's seat, turning on the music. He knew Sam liked some noise, just as he liked the television on at night.
He started driving, wetting his lips as he tried to think of something worth saying. "I draw a lot of lines. I follow my own rules. Many of them are influenced by you."
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To be shocked that Barty wasn't wholly good was unfair in some ways. "I held you to a standard you never fit and I let myself be disappointed. And it's on me, isn't it? Cause I'm the idiot that wants you. So I pretend."
And there was only so long someone could pretend. "You're better than you could be, I'll give you that."
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He changed the song, simply to be doing something, still shaking his head. "I miss the way you used to look at me. There's that." Sam believing in him, that had been a powerful feeling. Sam thinking him to be good. Great, even. Of course he longed for that. "I can't see it the way you do. That clear-cut morality. It's never been that way for me."
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"I want to be a good person. By the book, to the law and that's that. Not like my--" His worlds trailed off but the implication was there. He was not and would never, ever be like his father. "I just thought everyone thought like me. Even you."
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A very undervalued quality. "But being good and kind doesn't always lead to things going the way they should, does it?" Clearly not. "When people tried bribing my father, he'd never take it. But I wondered even as a boy whether he didn't take it because he felt it was wrong or because it was so important for him to stay good. Always by the book. He cares more about his reputation than about morals, really. If they told him that the wrong thing was right, he'd do it that way. He has in the past. Still does. So much that's wrong with the system. There aren't really many good people out there. Not truly good like you."
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Sam huffed out a laugh and rubbed at his eyes, not sure what to even feel any more about Barty. He just wanted to love him, he just wanted to be with him but then he had to forgive him and it seemed to easy. Too simple for Barty. "I miss you all the time. I hate that you can't be who I want you to be but I ... I also don't want you to be either."
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