"Right. I bet you can't even stop tapping your foot like you have since you've sat down. I bet you didn't even realise you were doing it." Oh, Sam. And in such denial about it too. It was entertaining in a way, not that he wasn't mostly worried. He took the blister pack Jonathan had given him and handed it to Sam. "Hold on to it. Just in case. You insane workaholic."
He shook his head, then looked at him again. "The footage is going to be secure and then destroyed soon. Should be taken care of by tomorrow."
Sam eyed up the blister pack as he forced his leg to stop moving, almost glaring at the meds before he pocketed them and tried to keep himself still. It was really annoying. "If I'm not there, nothing gets done." What he was doing was for the greater good, it wasn't just because he thought it would be fun. He especially didn't think it right now.
At the mention of the footage, he tensed up and his cheek twitched slightly. "Right. Thanks." He didn't want to even think about it existing, he didn't want to think about getting tested or that a fucking bastard like that was inside of him or any of this. He grit his teeth. "I appreciate it."
"No need to thank me, Sam. I would do anything." Anything to avenge him. Anything to protect him. Anything to win him back. Barty assumed the meaning was clear as he tried and hold Sam's nervous gaze. Today, Sam's focus was clearly shot. Stubborn knobhead. "Anything you let me do."
There, that was his limit. "Let me drive you back to the station, yeah? And maybe you can make it an early day. I could take you home. Maybe back to mine."
"I have work still... lots to do." Sam was tired, his brain was in overdrive and he kept making mistakes but if he left now, he had to tell Gene he was still sick and then Gene would ask more questions. He wouldn't stop asking Sam what he found out with Cheon and where he went, why he was off sick the day after. All good questions but Sam couldn't answer him honestly and he wasn't a good liar either.
"I just want to sleep." Sam admitted as he looked at his food and still tried to psych himself up to eat. "I can't sleep in my bed. Feels wrong. I sat in my chair last night instead. My neck is killing me. I think I slept for half an hour."
Barty almost told Sam that he had had people watching his place all night. That he wasn't leaving him unprotected. But he sensed that Sam would not find that as reassuring as it was meant to be, so he didn't say it. Instead he simply nodded, showing that he understood. "That makes sense. As I said, I could take you to my place. Or we can book a hotel, if you'd rather. Two beds, if you insist. Neutral ground."
There, he was trying to behave. However, he had also reached out and taken one of Sam's hands in his. "You need to give yourself a break, Sam. Don't make me abduct you to force you."
Sam had to laugh, he couldn't help it. Barty was so eager, he was willing to get a hotel with two beds. He couldn't help himself, it was funny and sometimes, it just felt like such a relief when he could smile and laugh. He never really got to, always stressed and busy so to have a moment to just laugh - it felt good.
He put his head in his hands and exhaled slowly. "I must still be high because part of me is considering it. I just want to lie on a bed and sleep, you know?"
"Hm, I can imagine. I also want you to sleep. You are less cranky when you're not so tired. Also generally more receptive." Always the hardest days with the worst arguments, when Sam was too tired to get it up and therefore couldn't be distracted with sex. The priority was always to ensure that Sam would at least get some decent sleep, it made living with him so much better. "Is it all about avoiding Gene's questions? Why not blame it on me? Say that I've seduced you with my wily ways. It could have happened. Call out of work because you need to get laid. I know Ray has done that before."
Sam sighed and then thought about the last time he had a really good sleep. Definitely at Barty's apartment. He had such a nice bed. It was so big and soft, he could sprawl out and it was with proper pillows too. He liked liking beside Barty, it just made everything that bit less stressful and on him. He liked company in bed, either in person or by the TV. Thought Barty freaked him out less than the TV.
Sam considered it for a while before he sighed, annoyed at himself. "Your place. Your bed."
"Are you calling in?" Barty signalled to the waiter so he could pay, already with his wallet at the ready. "Take one of the pills now. You can sleep when we get home." And, yes, he called it 'home' deliberately. Just as he kept calling Sam 'darling' and 'my love' quite deliberately. Sam knew he was a manipulator, why would he let him down by not at least trying to manipulate him?
"I'll make sure you sleep well." His heart was beating fast. He was trying not to let it show just how gleefully happy this was making him.
"If I wasn't totally fucked up, I wouldn't do this." Sam clarified because he felt he had to. He opened the blister pack and took one, tossing it into his mouth and washing it down with some of Barty's drink. "But I am, aren't I? Not just from the drugs, I'm just fucked up." He knew Barty was a gangster, he knew going home with him was bad and he knew that he was beyond fucked if he did this. Yet, the idea of the familiar was comforting.
A bed he knew, a place that was safe, somewhere to just sleep and have Barty near - it screamed out to him. He wanted it in a way he didn't want anything else right now. "I don't know what is wrong with me."
"You are in love with me. You've been hurt and you know I can keep you safe." Perhaps that wasn't what Sam really wanted to hear, but given it was the obvious truth, Barty decided to simply say it out loud. He reached out for one of Sam's hand, holding it as he helped him up. Luckily his car was parked right outside. "I'm not a good person, but the world isn't good either." He wasn't sure whether that would be enough for Sam in the long run. Perhaps enough for right now.
"You are good. You make me want to be better. Whatever's wrong with you, you're making me feel right."
"Right." It still didn't feel good. It still felt so very wrong. He got out his phone and sent a text to Gene saying he was throwing up and he couldn't come back to work, hoping Gene would accept that. After all, he kept saying he looked like shit and was surprised he came to work.
"Hm. Maybe you're just underestimating how much worse I could be." Barty did consider that a very valid possibility. He walked to his car and unlocked it, then held the door open for Sam to get into the passenger seat. Once he'd closed the door on Sam, he took a deep breath. What a mess.
He walked around the car and got into the driver's seat, turning on the music. He knew Sam liked some noise, just as he liked the television on at night.
He started driving, wetting his lips as he tried to think of something worth saying. "I draw a lot of lines. I follow my own rules. Many of them are influenced by you."
"I suppose it's not your fault that you don't fit my morality, I just always wanted to see something in you that I knew wasn't there." Sam knew that Barty wasn't really a good person, he had seen hints of it at school and when they dated. His empathy was strange, his interest in people was lacking and he kept the world at arm's length. He even played with people in front of him before and Sam knew he enjoyed it.
To be shocked that Barty wasn't wholly good was unfair in some ways. "I held you to a standard you never fit and I let myself be disappointed. And it's on me, isn't it? Cause I'm the idiot that wants you. So I pretend."
And there was only so long someone could pretend. "You're better than you could be, I'll give you that."
Barty let out a soft laugh, ending in a chuckle as he shook his head. "You're amazing at that. What a devastating way to bring me down." It was kind of a hit right to his heart and dashing any hopes he'd have had, but he couldn't help his admiration of what Sam was capable of doing so casually.
He changed the song, simply to be doing something, still shaking his head. "I miss the way you used to look at me. There's that." Sam believing in him, that had been a powerful feeling. Sam thinking him to be good. Great, even. Of course he longed for that. "I can't see it the way you do. That clear-cut morality. It's never been that way for me."
"It's just been easier for me. It was just -- things should be simple. I'm a cop, I'm good. I do things properly, by the book, avoid bias and try my absolute best to be a what I have to be. It keeps everything safe and easy." He didn't have to question himself because he knew the rules and being strict meant a slight slip up was never a disaster that he couldn't handle.
"I want to be a good person. By the book, to the law and that's that. Not like my--" His worlds trailed off but the implication was there. He was not and would never, ever be like his father. "I just thought everyone thought like me. Even you."
"My father is like that. As you know. No grey for him. But I always saw the grey all around." Perhaps there had been something wrong with him from the start. He couldn't say for certain. "I always thought that you were good. I reckon everyone does. You are honest. You are kind too."
A very undervalued quality. "But being good and kind doesn't always lead to things going the way they should, does it?" Clearly not. "When people tried bribing my father, he'd never take it. But I wondered even as a boy whether he didn't take it because he felt it was wrong or because it was so important for him to stay good. Always by the book. He cares more about his reputation than about morals, really. If they told him that the wrong thing was right, he'd do it that way. He has in the past. Still does. So much that's wrong with the system. There aren't really many good people out there. Not truly good like you."
"That's why there's so much mistrust. There's people who pretend, people who abuse a broken system and fuck knows, people hear cop and they -- they hate us. They think we're untrustworthy. It's a dirty word now. Police." Sam hated that with all of his heart but he knew it was the truth and he knew how bad the system was that it allowed bad people to abuse it. Even so, to him, staying strict was the best way to stay good. "I think your lot do better in public opinion than our lot these days."
Sam huffed out a laugh and rubbed at his eyes, not sure what to even feel any more about Barty. He just wanted to love him, he just wanted to be with him but then he had to forgive him and it seemed to easy. Too simple for Barty. "I miss you all the time. I hate that you can't be who I want you to be but I ... I also don't want you to be either."
"I can't be that. Maybe in a different world, I could be a lovable rogue of some sorts, but I don't know. I just don't like the system. I don't believe in it. I used to want to bring it down." He smiled as he remembered being young and so much more reckless. "You've probably kept me from that, not that you knew it. i was always scared of losing you."
He still was. "I'm not often scared. Most of my fears these days are in some way related to you."
He stopped at a red light, fingers drumming against the wheel. "I want it to be us against the world, because I could never bring myself to care that much about anyone other than you. But if you are so hellbent on being good and kind and helping people, I suppose that means I have to care as well."
"I can't disengage from the world. I want to help." He wanted to fix it and make it run exactly as he wanted, which was ridiculous but it would be quite nice, actually. He wanted to be alone with Barty, he wanted the world to be that small once when they were young and in love but then the rest of the world was still there and he couldn't just forget about it entirely. "If I know I could do good and I'm in the position to, I'll always want to get involved. And the best way I can is through being the example and trying to make others follow me."
And it worked, somewhat, with the police. They were learning from him and people tried more. Not Ray but fuck Ray. "Care a little. That's all I ask. And you can ask something of me too, sure, I don't care but just ... be in the world and care."
"I care. I care a lot." In his own way, at least. Mostly still focused around Sam. "I'm about to solve the Black Dragon issue for your DCI cunt, so you should be happy about that."
No gang war. He just wanted Cheon and anyone willing to work for him eradicated. Surely that wasn't unreasonable. He had no idea whether Jon planned on reining him in, but he certainly didn't expect that to work. "And I'm about to make sure that Manchester's number one policeman gets his beauty sleep." He parked his car and turned to Sam. He watched his face and his heart hurt. Nothing new there.
"I'd do anything for you. I'm not lying about that."
"You wouldn't tell me the truth when we dated so apparently even you have limits." Sam shot back because he couldn't resist. A little pedantic but hey, Barty loved that about him so he was not toning it down. "I'm glad you try and I appreciate it. And we'll never mesh in our ways of dealing but just -- do me a favour? Never tell me what you do unless I ask. Then be honest."
Sam could try and ignore it. He could ignore what would happen to Cheon, even if it upset him to know it wouldn't be handled legally. He knew this was a greater good.
"Don't hurt anyone with him who's clearly not there cause they want to be. A man like that, he drags people in. Forces them to stay. He takes the passports away from his boyfriends, you know?" He was a real piece of shit. "Not everyone with him is willing."
"M-hm. Maybe. Although not telling you the truth was a way of keeping you, so it was done for you. Just in an admittedly twisted and undoubtedly selfish way." Still, he would stand by how that was undeniably something he had done for the sake of Sam. For the sake of being with him. "I won't tell you more than you want to know."
He looked at Sam as he explained all that about Cheon, nodding and having to smile in spite of it all. "I know. I do research, you know? When I work, I get to know my targets better than their own mothers know them. Better than they know themselves. Perhaps in another life I'd have been a great cop. Or detective."
There was a thought. "I don't just hurt people for the sake of it. I'm only a sadist in the bedroom." He grinned and raised his eyebrows, then shrugged. "I'll make sure everyone with him against their will is taken care of. Promise."
"Just try to be a good person for me. Okay? In whatever small way you can."
Barty would have been an amazing cop, a great detective but a gangster... well, it was the worst possible option but even so, it could be worse. He just assumed this was how Barty did good, he protected the city in a fucked up way, like he protected him and his own brother. It was always the way it was.
"Now it finally makes sense to me why Giacomo always seemed to magically have his debt wiped out." That was the gangster pull right there. "You devious little shit."
"Ah, yes. Actually what started me on some of that path back in the day, so feel free to guilt him over it next time you see him. Only so many ways to pay for your twin brother's idiocy and he'd just not make a good gangster. Too unreliable." Too unreliable to perform any kind of regular job as well. Giacomo was just always in trouble and never content being entirely out of it. "They wanted to break his legs. You know he's a wimp with pain."
So, yes, he had to act. "To be fair to him, I was getting bored of legal work anyway."
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He shook his head, then looked at him again. "The footage is going to be secure and then destroyed soon. Should be taken care of by tomorrow."
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At the mention of the footage, he tensed up and his cheek twitched slightly. "Right. Thanks." He didn't want to even think about it existing, he didn't want to think about getting tested or that a fucking bastard like that was inside of him or any of this. He grit his teeth. "I appreciate it."
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There, that was his limit. "Let me drive you back to the station, yeah? And maybe you can make it an early day. I could take you home. Maybe back to mine."
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"I just want to sleep." Sam admitted as he looked at his food and still tried to psych himself up to eat. "I can't sleep in my bed. Feels wrong. I sat in my chair last night instead. My neck is killing me. I think I slept for half an hour."
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There, he was trying to behave. However, he had also reached out and taken one of Sam's hands in his. "You need to give yourself a break, Sam. Don't make me abduct you to force you."
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He put his head in his hands and exhaled slowly. "I must still be high because part of me is considering it. I just want to lie on a bed and sleep, you know?"
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Sam sighed and then thought about the last time he had a really good sleep. Definitely at Barty's apartment. He had such a nice bed. It was so big and soft, he could sprawl out and it was with proper pillows too. He liked liking beside Barty, it just made everything that bit less stressful and on him. He liked company in bed, either in person or by the TV. Thought Barty freaked him out less than the TV.
Sam considered it for a while before he sighed, annoyed at himself. "Your place. Your bed."
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"I'll make sure you sleep well." His heart was beating fast. He was trying not to let it show just how gleefully happy this was making him.
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A bed he knew, a place that was safe, somewhere to just sleep and have Barty near - it screamed out to him. He wanted it in a way he didn't want anything else right now. "I don't know what is wrong with me."
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"You are good. You make me want to be better. Whatever's wrong with you, you're making me feel right."
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He exited the café with Barty but pulled his hand free from the other, putting his hands in his pockets instead. "If I make you want to be better, why are you still a terrible person? We've been together long enough. When does it kick in for you?"
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He walked around the car and got into the driver's seat, turning on the music. He knew Sam liked some noise, just as he liked the television on at night.
He started driving, wetting his lips as he tried to think of something worth saying. "I draw a lot of lines. I follow my own rules. Many of them are influenced by you."
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To be shocked that Barty wasn't wholly good was unfair in some ways. "I held you to a standard you never fit and I let myself be disappointed. And it's on me, isn't it? Cause I'm the idiot that wants you. So I pretend."
And there was only so long someone could pretend. "You're better than you could be, I'll give you that."
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He changed the song, simply to be doing something, still shaking his head. "I miss the way you used to look at me. There's that." Sam believing in him, that had been a powerful feeling. Sam thinking him to be good. Great, even. Of course he longed for that. "I can't see it the way you do. That clear-cut morality. It's never been that way for me."
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"I want to be a good person. By the book, to the law and that's that. Not like my--" His worlds trailed off but the implication was there. He was not and would never, ever be like his father. "I just thought everyone thought like me. Even you."
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A very undervalued quality. "But being good and kind doesn't always lead to things going the way they should, does it?" Clearly not. "When people tried bribing my father, he'd never take it. But I wondered even as a boy whether he didn't take it because he felt it was wrong or because it was so important for him to stay good. Always by the book. He cares more about his reputation than about morals, really. If they told him that the wrong thing was right, he'd do it that way. He has in the past. Still does. So much that's wrong with the system. There aren't really many good people out there. Not truly good like you."
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Sam huffed out a laugh and rubbed at his eyes, not sure what to even feel any more about Barty. He just wanted to love him, he just wanted to be with him but then he had to forgive him and it seemed to easy. Too simple for Barty. "I miss you all the time. I hate that you can't be who I want you to be but I ... I also don't want you to be either."
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He still was. "I'm not often scared. Most of my fears these days are in some way related to you."
He stopped at a red light, fingers drumming against the wheel. "I want it to be us against the world, because I could never bring myself to care that much about anyone other than you. But if you are so hellbent on being good and kind and helping people, I suppose that means I have to care as well."
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And it worked, somewhat, with the police. They were learning from him and people tried more. Not Ray but fuck Ray. "Care a little. That's all I ask. And you can ask something of me too, sure, I don't care but just ... be in the world and care."
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No gang war. He just wanted Cheon and anyone willing to work for him eradicated. Surely that wasn't unreasonable. He had no idea whether Jon planned on reining him in, but he certainly didn't expect that to work. "And I'm about to make sure that Manchester's number one policeman gets his beauty sleep." He parked his car and turned to Sam. He watched his face and his heart hurt. Nothing new there.
"I'd do anything for you. I'm not lying about that."
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Sam could try and ignore it. He could ignore what would happen to Cheon, even if it upset him to know it wouldn't be handled legally. He knew this was a greater good.
"Don't hurt anyone with him who's clearly not there cause they want to be. A man like that, he drags people in. Forces them to stay. He takes the passports away from his boyfriends, you know?" He was a real piece of shit. "Not everyone with him is willing."
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He looked at Sam as he explained all that about Cheon, nodding and having to smile in spite of it all. "I know. I do research, you know? When I work, I get to know my targets better than their own mothers know them. Better than they know themselves. Perhaps in another life I'd have been a great cop. Or detective."
There was a thought. "I don't just hurt people for the sake of it. I'm only a sadist in the bedroom." He grinned and raised his eyebrows, then shrugged. "I'll make sure everyone with him against their will is taken care of. Promise."
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Barty would have been an amazing cop, a great detective but a gangster... well, it was the worst possible option but even so, it could be worse. He just assumed this was how Barty did good, he protected the city in a fucked up way, like he protected him and his own brother. It was always the way it was.
"Now it finally makes sense to me why Giacomo always seemed to magically have his debt wiped out." That was the gangster pull right there. "You devious little shit."
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So, yes, he had to act. "To be fair to him, I was getting bored of legal work anyway."
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