toxicbaes | You must like being the victim, you've done nothing to get out

"What if I don't want to stop, huh?" Xue Yang squeezed tighter and he saw Meng Yao's face go red, then paler. He felt his struggles weakening. When he almost seemed to go slack, it suddenly occurred to him that he did not want that. He didn't want him gone. So he let go immediately, no longer choking him. He still held him up with his other arm, frowning while he lowered him to the ground.

He sat down across from him, feeling emotions warring inside of him and the anger or fear or whatever it was still burning hot. "So what?" What had that been? For either of them.

Meng Yao's throat ached and his vision was fuzzy as he dropped down onto the floor heavily and cried. He knew it wasn't the most mature reaction but it was frustrating. He didn't think he did anything worth this? Every time he felt like they drifted to something close to love, suddenly it was pushed into this again and everything felt like a lie. Like an illusion.

"I just wanted to hold your hand." Meng Yao spat out petulantly, as angry as he was upset. "I just touched. I didn't mean anything. I don't even know what you're talking about!" What weakness? As if Xue Yang had any fucking weakness. "Fuck! Fuck you. Fucking bastard."

Xue Yang was silent, because he wasn't about to admit that he had overreacted. He waited for his breathing to even out, his eyes still trained on the bandage. As if something had happened to expose him, as if something had turned him back into that dumb child that was so easily taken advantage of. Like that kid in the rain, clutching a bleeding hand and crying for someone who cared when no such person existed.

Finally, he looked at Meng Yao, muttering. "Mind how you talk to me."

It wasn't an apology. He couldn't do that. Instead he reached over to the nightstand, grabbing a hold of his hairbrush and whatever ties were nearby. He threw it all down in front of Meng Yao, then turned his back to him. "Braid my hair."

They had never done that before. He had never had anyone do that.

Meng Yao frowned, confused, looking at the items that had been tossed in front of him. It was always confusing being here, it was utterly exhausting too. He had to guess everything. Usually, he got by with calculating and planning, knowing exactly how to handle someone. That wasn't going to happen with Xue Yang. He was entirely unpredictable.

He swallowed painfully and nodded his head, taking the brush with shaking hands. If he brushed wrong, who knows? Maybe he'd be set on fire, maybe he'd laugh. It was so impossible.

Reaching up, he started to brush his hair, sniffling a little as he tried to calm himself down. "I didn't think it mattered. The bandage. I'm sorry." He didn't know why he was saying sorry, he just knew he had to mitigate the damage.

"Hm." Xue Yang shrugged, while he held still. "Don't get any snot on me if you can't stop crying."

Still, he could admit something. "I didn't think it mattered either. So you couldn't have known." Not an apology but at least something.

He was silent for a while, as Meng Yao brushed his hair. He did it so carefully, it was a strange feeling. Xue Yang finally spoke again, not sure what he was going to say. "You know, xiao Yao, some time ago a stupid kid lost their little finger. It still hurts all the damn time."

Meng Yao was silent for a while as he brushed the other's hair and then leaned up, starting to braid it carefully. He only knew one braid, the one his mother had worn, so he did that. "I'm sorry that you lost your finger. I'm sorry that it hurts. I worked with someone once, at the brothel, and he was a gangster. He lost his entire arm and he said it always hurt because he tensed before it was removed. The trick is to let go of the tension but that's not easy to do. I can't imagine what it's like."

He had gotten close to knowing, there was a very terrifying toe incident that came to mind. Luckily Xue Yang came to his senses before that.

Putting the hair tie in, he looked at the braids and then moved his hands back. "When I was hurt, my mama gave me a kiss and it just made me feel better. I think sometimes there's a magic to it. It makes no sense but it works."

"I think it hurts because they haven't paid for it. All their lives for my finger. It's only fair. Isn't my pain worth that much?" Xue Yang certainly thought so. "I've never had a mama, but I can kill a fucker."

So there was that. He turned around, looking at Meng Yao and raising his hands to touch his braids. As he watched Meng Yao's face, caught his eyes, he gradually started to smile. "I like you better than any mirror, xiao Yao. I look best when you look at me."

It was certainly good for the ego.

"You are very handsome." Meng Yao admitted, wondering how many people Xue Yang had killed as he stared at his adorable face. He was a mass killer, based on all he had said, but that could be anything from a handful to a sports team. He was unsure how to proceed, afraid of provoking the angry monster that burst out sometimes.

"I'm sorry I can't make it better for you, gege." He liked gege, they both did, it was part of the whole game. He smiled nervously, his heart racing in his chest. "I won't touch it ever again."

"You are a good boy, xiao Yao. You know gege gets angry sometimes." Xue Yang reached up, with the bandaged hand. He used it to cup the side of Meng Yao's face, touching it so gently. He was oddly beautiful at times. Even pale and with those bags under his eyes. Maybe he should let him sleep somewhere nicer soon, make sure he got some proper rest. "The world is bad and there are no good people. It's not fair. But I can make it better for us. I can make sure you don't leave me. Then we'll always have each other."

It seemed like a fair compromise. "You don't want to leave me, right? You love me."

"No, I don't want to leave you." Meng Yao told him as he leaned into his touch and enjoyed how soft it was, how he was looking at him, the way it almost melted him entirely. He had no tenderness from anyone else and all drawbacks aside, it was nice, in some ways, to have someone who wanted him. He had been rejected constantly through his life, why not indulge in someone who cared.

"I'm your good boy, I wouldn't leave." He wanted to go outside. He wanted to go back to work. He wanted his life back. Yet, at the same time, he felt like he wanted this. Or maybe he had just talked himself into wanting it. "The world is bad. Everyone is an asshole. I don't want to ever see anyone else but you."

And that part felt true. Strangely.

"Promise it." Xue Yang demanded it, wondering whether he could ever believe it. And how stupid he was for being tempted to believe. He ran a hand through Meng Yao's hair, fingers tangling with the dark strands. He really ought to give him a proper haircut. It wasn't looking the best. But it was shiny and clean and it felt nice to touch it. "Promise it and then I'll let you stay free while I go to work today."

"I promise it."

He could earn this trust, get some freedom and eventually, he could use it. Right? That was the plan. He had to use it. He shook his head a little to get his hair out of his eyes, looking at Xue Yang with a small smile. "I'll be really good. You won't be able to see how much I love you and want to be with you if you never give me a chance to show it."

"Nah. I guess not." Xue Yang had to admit that. He supposed he had a point there. It still felt strange, his chest oddly tight and pained when he considered it. He didn't want to lose Meng Yao. He liked the idea of coming home to him smiling like this too much.

So he moved his hand, drawing a line along his throat with the tip of one finger. "If I find that you've tried to get away when I come back, I'll find you, however far you've got, and I'll slit your throat."

It was said almost casually, which perhaps made it all the more chilling. "I won't cut too deeply. You'd bleed out slowly, drowning in it. It can take hours."

"I won't! I swear, I won't!" Meng Yao didn't want to experience that, he couldn't even imagine that much blood. He was ready, he would prove himself. He would do this all as safely as he could and then... well, he didn't know what next. He had to start scheming but he was struggling with his focus lately. Sleeping on the floor in a cold room was not productive, neither were multiple beatings.

"I'll show you. I'll be there and the house will be really nice. Promise. I will make you smile." That was a promise he was hoping he could keep.

"If you are there when I get home, like that, then it will be nice. Because if you love me, then I love you." It would be fair that way and he wouldn't be the stupid one. "Then we can sleep together, xiao Yao." He gestured to the bed to make himself clear. "Be a good boy for gege and xiao Yao gets to sleep in my bed tonight. In my arms."

Surely that was a good offer, if not as visceral as the description of a slit throat. "If you earn it, I'll even make you come."

"Sleep in the bed with you?" His eyes lit up. The idea of a bed was exciting, the idea of being in someone's arms was more exciting. He was so eager, he was practically wriggling with excitement. "Tomorrow will be a very good day, gege."

He could feel it. He was going to sleep so well.

You must like being the victim, you've done nothing to get out

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